Do you do a background check on the person that you are dating? If not, after reading this, you may just start to.
Originally posted on digitalromanceinc.com
The following post was originally published March 10, 2014 on another blog that I write for and was so popular that I wanted to re-share it on this blog.
If you’re single and casually dating, expectations or lack of can be pretty clear. However, if you’re dating and have been for a year or more, the lines start to blur and for some ladies they may start wondering, “am I ‘the one’?” Based on personal experience in a relationship and subsequent engagement where we had very differing views of how long the engagement period should last, I offer insight into a situation where a woman may be in a long-term relationship or even engagement and is wondering if she is “the one” who will meet this man at the other end of the altar.
If you are receiving mixed signals from your man that are leaving you wondering if the relationship is going anywhere here are some RED FLAGS to look for:
1) There is no clear commitment. Has he verbally committed to the relationship, stating or discussing that the two of you were in fact in a committed relationship or have you been going through the motions of a relationship;
2) He only comes over at night. We used to call this a “booty call” … not sure what the in word is for this, but if he only comes over to visit late at night and you usually find yourself in the bedroom, well, you are a booty call;
3) He is not interested in those things that interest you. Does he show interest in those things that are important to you? A man who cares about his woman and has long-term plans for her will show some sign of interest in the things that are important to her. If he doesn’t show interest in those things that are important to you, well he may not be that in to you;
4) You have not met his parents? Most men will only introduce you to their parents if they have long-term plans for you. If you have not met his parents, well, this could mean that he either is not ready to introduce you to his parents YET or you just may not be “the one”;
5) You have not met any of his friends? Like parents, a guy typically will only introduce you to his friends if he has long-term plans to have you in his life. If you have not met any of his friends, he may be thinking short-term.
Some red flags a woman who is casually dating should look for early on if she is trying to determine if a new romance is short-term or has long-term potential are: they have not been on a formal date; brief and/or sporadic communication; he never calls you, you are always calling him; when together, he leaves the room to take phone calls; and there is no public display of affection could all mean that you may be one of many.
“Stop Struggling with Shantionique…”
I recently saw this picture posted on Facebook that caused a lot of stir and some interesting dialogue across the Internet. Most all of the women who commented about the picture expressed their disdain and were highly offended. The guys who responded had varying opinions, some felt like the picture was either an exaggeration or not purely accurate and others totally agreed with the sentiment.
First off, I personally think the picture is shallow, immature, and superficial. It is a simple statement that in my opinion is rooted in self-hate. True love has no color and those who are mature in their thinking tend to be attracted to someone who shares the same interest as they do, however, to dismiss a person of the same race simply because of their race is shameful.
Aside from my personal feelings and motivated by this image, I pose the question, why don’t more black women cross over and date men of other races? This question reminds me of the movie “Something New” where a black socialite falls in love with a white man. Initially she is not attracted to him and attempts to go along with a plan to set her up with a more suitable companion who is also black. In short, the black man who she dreamed of having and thought she wanted sparked absolutely no romantic interest in her; and ironically the white man who she initially was not interested in, she soon realized she was actually attracted to.
The lesson in this is that sometimes we think we know what we want – we get it, and soon realize that it does absolutely nothing for us. On the other hand, trying something new and doing something different may just surprise you.
What are your thoughts, why don’t more black women date and marry outside of their race?
During a blog talk panel that I recently participated in the question was posed, “is there such a thing as marrying down?” [http://www.blogtalkradio.com/intheknow/2014/02/06/black-love-the-problems-we-face-finding-it-and-keeping-it] My answer was, “it depends on the person and what their definition of marrying down is.” For some people, marrying down might mean that they are in a white collar career and marry someone who is a blue collar worker; or for others this could mean, they attended an Ivy League institution and their partner attended a state university. I shared my own experience of when I was in my twenties, had just received my Bachelor’s degree and was having a difficult time finding someone who I felt was a compatible dating choice. My Pastor at the time, shared with and enlightened me that there was nothing wrong with me dating someone who may be a blue collar worker that did not have a degree if they were a hard working, driven individual that was equally yoked with me in other ways, primarily spiritually. I took his advice to heart and grew by leaps and bounds that day.
Research shows that women are entering and graduating from college at a much faster pace than their male counterparts; especially among Hispanics and Blacks. An analysis of U.S. Census Bureau data by the Pew Research Center shows in 1994, 63% of high school female graduates and 61% of high school male graduates were enrolled in college in the fall following their graduation. In 2012, the percentage of female high school graduates enrolled in college right after high school had increased to 71%, but remained unchanged at 61% for males. The Hispanic community saw a similar pattern; in 1994 of both male and female graduates about half enrolled in college in the fall; and in 2012, enrollment in college increased for both Hispanic men and women, but the female enrollment increased by 13% over males. The percentages for Black high school graduates in 1994 showed that 56% of male graduates and 48% of black female graduates enrolled in college right after high school graduation; however in 2012, enrollment for black males in college right after graduation was 57% and 69% for black females; black females saw a 12% increase over black males. There is a concrete trend of more females entering college right after high school graduation than males. For full analysis click: http://www.pewresearch.org/fact-tank/2014/03/06/womens-college-enrollment-gains-leave-men-behind/ Has this pattern caused women to consider marrying down?
As we age and marriage is being considered, the whole marrying down phenomenon is a bit more complicated. Whether or not the other person has the same level of education may not be as important as if we have commonalities and are compatible. More than anything, I believe not just women, but men desire to marry someone they enjoy being around and enjoy doing things with; and I doubt if level of education or lack of will preempt this.
What are your thoughts is there such a thing as marrying down?
OR, are you just too darn picky?…
I recently participated in a blog talk show panel, entitled “Black Love: The Problem We Have Finding It and Keeping It” http://www.blogtalkradio.com/intheknow/2014/02/06/black-love-the-problems-we-face-finding-it-and-keeping-it. Follow the link for the full panel discussion.
We discussed several issues surrounding single black professional women and the issue most have with finding someone who is equally yoked. I realize this issue has no color, but it seems as though black professional women seem to have a harder time finding a mate than their counterparts of a different race and/or nationality.
A point was made that overall there are less people getting married and this issue appears to be magnified in the black community; where there is an obvious decline in black love and black marriage. The panel was presented with 3 primary issues: 1) the marriage pool of quality black men interested in black women, 2) the economically independent black women who have placed themselves out of the market and 3) the school theory that as black women climb higher in their education, the pool of black men thins out because there are more black women in college than black men. I personally back the economically independent women theory that some women who have attained a certain level of education and success in their career have become too picky in what they desire in a man. I strongly believe in a woman having standards when it comes to what type of man she desires, however, I do believe that some things are mere wants and not necessarily must-haves in a man. I devote a chapter in my book, No Longer a Bridesmaid! to “The Infamous List” that single women have and go into detail about wants and needs versus must-haves.
What are your thoughts?
March 17, 2014
What are your thoughts on a woman making more than her man?
Dear Primary Breadwinner,
I have no issue with a woman making more income than her man; but then again, I am a woman. This question is highly personal and the best person to ask is a man as their answers will vary based on several factors including their level of self-esteem, how they value money and if it is tied to self-worth, and their view on gender and roles.
I do have a perspective on this issue, since I know of situations where the wife makes more than the husband; and know that for some marriages and relationships this is indeed an issue when the woman makes more money than the man. Modern Day career women have the privilege of being more educated and having more vocation opportunities available to them than women did 50 years ago; and now, more woman than ever work outside the home which has resulted in a vast number of women who have excelled in their career and has resulted in them making just as much as and in many cases more than their spouse. I have witnessed instances where men have publically stated that they do not have an issue with their wife making more money than they do, however, behind closed doors the sentiment is quite different. I actually switched up the AskTerry segment this week and led the Twitter discussion last Thursday to assess people’s general view on this subject. The discussion in summation was that some men do have a problem with their partner making more money than they do because of 1) traditional views of the male being the primary breadwinner, 2) male ego, and 3) men being intimidated by a woman who can provide for herself. There are some things a woman can do to ensure that she does not make her partner feel inferior if she does make more money than he. The first and most important is that she does not belittle his salary or efforts as a provider of the household. Second, the spouse that handles the finances should be the one who is more knowledgeable and responsible in the area of finances and not necessarily the one who makes the most money; in other words, roles in the house or for the family should not be determined by who makes the most money. Finally, the wife should never ever use that fact that she makes more money as a “one up” on her husband insinuating or stating that she is in fact the one holding the house down.
DISCLAIMER: The information or advice in this column should not be substituted for professional counseling. The thoughts expressed in the “Ask Terry” segment of the Relationships-411 blog are the thoughts and opinions of the writer and should be viewed as information and entertainment only. By submitting a question to the column you are hereby granting us permission to publish your question on this blog.
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